Scene. A television studio. A smiling figure walks around while
lots of cameramen, engineers etc studiously ignore him.
Hi! I'm Dave Holt. You may remember me from such websites as
Advancedfightingfantasy.com and, er, the other one. Today we've got
an exclusive behind the scenes look at the multi million dollar
adaptation of OUTSIDER, currently being filmed in the forests of Iga
prefecture in Japan, directed by Brad Pitt and screenplay by Mel
Gibson. Later on we'll be talking to Ian 'Gandalf / Magneto'
McKellen about his role as The Prince and why Vampire: The
Masquerade and Fighting Fantasy simply do not mix and Dan
Castellenata about the differences between doing the voices of
Eichlan of the Tzimisce, Nordom the Modron, Homer Simpson and damn
near every other animated character except, possibly, that clown
fish thing. But first we have an exclusive interview where Ed
Winchester is heading towards the hut built into the precarious
slope of Wudang mountain where notorious alcoholic manic-depressive
author Gavin Mitchell now makes his home.
Scene change. Face of ED WINCHESTER.
Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.
Camera pulls back to show Ed in full mountaineering gear climbing
up a sheer rock face.
With a few more skilful thrusts of pitons, ropes and, er... things,
Ed makes his way to a wooden house built straight onto the side of
the cliff face. He hauls himself through the trapdoor.
Camera pulls back to show his head emerge into a scene of organised
chaos. Stella cans have been organised into a perfect pentagram with
bits of paper saying 'WATER' 'FIRE' 'CREATION' 'DESTRUCTION' placed
at seemingly significant positions. Elsewhere packets bearing the
legends Citalopram, Lithium, Effexor, Glucose etc have been
organised into the yin-yang symbol with eight chinese trigrams at
geometric intervals. The rest is a chaos of t-shirts, guitars and
heavy metal albums. Except for the corner where, at a desk, three
computers, a laptop, a desktop and a ZX80 are simultanously running.
Sitting at a wheelie chair, seemingly trying to operate all three at
once is a big man hunched over. He's wearing ninja tabi boots,
Perfect Circle t shirt and a Crocodile hunter hat.
G. MITCHELL (picking up one of several mobile and land line phones)
Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.
Whatever. SELL! SELL!
Is that the tai chi symbol there made out of those packets?
Are you calling my pint a queer?
Is that Avril Lavigne's new album on your desk? Or at least the
pictures of her from it?
You ever have an enema with a fire hose? Next question.
I'd like to hear your thoughts on the multi million dollar adaption
of your book OUTSIDER.
Look, moron. I have just realised that every book on ninjutsu I
have ever read contains clean lifts from both baguazhang and
xingyiquan. Soon those of us who have realised this will be hunted
down and ruthlessly slain by the same archons who had Bruce Lee
killed for betraying his martial arts secrets to the West. Mark my
words. In ten years time there will be rivers of blood as Shaolins,
Wudang, samurai and ninja fight it out with magic powers in the
streets of every city in the world. It'll be Crouching Tiger Hidden
Dragon meets Enter the Ninja meets The Matrix! Minus Monica
Bellucci's tits. Presumably. I'm holing up here while the holin's
So how do you feel about the fact that Claire Forlani, Pitt's
original choice for Eddora was replaced at your request? Allegedly
there was some reference to cutting off heads and not even thinking
twice about it.
Are you threatening me?
Camera goes off abruptly.
Back to the studio.
Well, Gavin Mitchell is obviously working hard on his next
masterpiece there. Now let's go to a bar in Tokyo where ALI G is
interviewing JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS in the role of BLACK ARIA.
Tokyo bar. Ali G. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers in black Reformation Germany
gear, long blonde wig and goatee beard. Need we say more?
JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS
Well... uh. It's this movie... uh. It's like, er, about assassins
and stuff. I get to snog a, ugh, dark elf. She is well fit. But
don't she know it. I wish people wouldn't say I am fick. I'm playing
footie with David Beckham in between takes.
Is it because I is black?
Now let's go over to ASIA ARGENTO's dressing room. Playing the
co-starring role of EDDORA, we've arranged a surprise interview with
celebrity pundit AVID MERRION.
I'm not even going to bother.
Ahh, I am glad I have been given this job. It is because I am all
weird and sh*t. Asia is sho loverly. She makes me lose my sex wee. I
f***ing love shellebrities.
Asia Argento abruptly opens the door. She's wearing only the
tiniest of towels. Every one of her tattoos is visible -- and anyone
who has the audacity to go and look this up after reading this
deserves a slap on the wrist. If not elsewhere.
My favourite smell is a lover's armpit. Sadly, I've never smelt that
of the author of the book on which this movie is based.
[Bloody shame, that. --Ed]
Ahhh! Can I spit in your face?
You can do whatever the f*** you want.
Grabs Avid by the neck brace.Pulls him in.
Well, all told it's been a very successful exclusive. So it's
goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him.
Cue Monty Python closing credits.
The Moral: A little of anything can be a dangerous thing.
It's good to be back.