Scene. A television studio. A smiling figure walks around while lots of cameramen, engineers etc studiously ignore him.

DAVE HOLT

Hi! I'm Dave Holt. You may remember me from such websites as Advancedfightingfantasy.com and, er, the other one. Today we've got an exclusive behind the scenes look at the multi million dollar adaptation of OUTSIDER, currently being filmed in the forests of Iga prefecture in Japan, directed by Brad Pitt and screenplay by Mel Gibson. Later on we'll be talking to Ian 'Gandalf / Magneto' McKellen about his role as The Prince and why Vampire: The Masquerade and Fighting Fantasy simply do not mix and Dan Castellenata about the differences between doing the voices of Eichlan of the Tzimisce, Nordom the Modron, Homer Simpson and damn near every other animated character except, possibly, that clown fish thing. But first we have an exclusive interview where Ed Winchester is heading towards the hut built into the precarious slope of Wudang mountain where notorious alcoholic manic-depressive author Gavin Mitchell now makes his home.

Scene change. Face of ED WINCHESTER.

ED WINCHESTER

Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.

Camera pulls back to show Ed in full mountaineering gear climbing up a sheer rock face.

With a few more skilful thrusts of pitons, ropes and, er... things, Ed makes his way to a wooden house built straight onto the side of the cliff face. He hauls himself through the trapdoor.

Camera pulls back to show his head emerge into a scene of organised chaos. Stella cans have been organised into a perfect pentagram with bits of paper saying 'WATER' 'FIRE' 'CREATION' 'DESTRUCTION' placed at seemingly significant positions. Elsewhere packets bearing the legends Citalopram, Lithium, Effexor, Glucose etc have been organised into the yin-yang symbol with eight chinese trigrams at geometric intervals. The rest is a chaos of t-shirts, guitars and heavy metal albums. Except for the corner where, at a desk, three computers, a laptop, a desktop and a ZX80 are simultanously running. Sitting at a wheelie chair, seemingly trying to operate all three at once is a big man hunched over. He's wearing ninja tabi boots, Perfect Circle t shirt and a Crocodile hunter hat.

G. MITCHELL (picking up one of several mobile and land line phones)

BUY! BUY!

ED WINCHESTER

Hi! I'm Ed Winchester.

G. MITCHELL

Whatever. SELL! SELL!

ED WINCHESTER

Is that the tai chi symbol there made out of those packets?

G. MITCHELL

Are you calling my pint a queer?

ED WINCHESTER

Is that Avril Lavigne's new album on your desk? Or at least the pictures of her from it?

G. MITCHELL

You ever have an enema with a fire hose? Next question.

ED WINCHESTER

I'd like to hear your thoughts on the multi million dollar adaption of your book OUTSIDER.

G. MITCHELL

Look, moron. I have just realised that every book on ninjutsu I have ever read contains clean lifts from both baguazhang and xingyiquan. Soon those of us who have realised this will be hunted down and ruthlessly slain by the same archons who had Bruce Lee killed for betraying his martial arts secrets to the West. Mark my words. In ten years time there will be rivers of blood as Shaolins, Wudang, samurai and ninja fight it out with magic powers in the streets of every city in the world. It'll be Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon meets Enter the Ninja meets The Matrix! Minus Monica Bellucci's tits. Presumably. I'm holing up here while the holin's good.

ED WINCHESTER

So how do you feel about the fact that Claire Forlani, Pitt's original choice for Eddora was replaced at your request? Allegedly there was some reference to cutting off heads and not even thinking twice about it.

G. MITCHELL

Are you threatening me?

Camera goes off abruptly.

Back to the studio.

DAVE HOLT

Well, Gavin Mitchell is obviously working hard on his next masterpiece there. Now let's go to a bar in Tokyo where ALI G is interviewing JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS in the role of BLACK ARIA.

Tokyo bar. Ali G. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers in black Reformation Germany gear, long blonde wig and goatee beard. Need we say more?

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Well... uh. It's this movie... uh. It's like, er, about assassins and stuff. I get to snog a, ugh, dark elf. She is well fit. But don't she know it. I wish people wouldn't say I am fick. I'm playing footie with David Beckham in between takes.

ALI G

Is it because I is black?

DAVE HOLT

Now let's go over to ASIA ARGENTO's dressing room. Playing the co-starring role of EDDORA, we've arranged a surprise interview with celebrity pundit AVID MERRION.

I'm not even going to bother.

AVID MERRION

Ahh, I am glad I have been given this job. It is because I am all weird and sh*t. Asia is sho loverly. She makes me lose my sex wee. I f***ing love shellebrities.

Asia Argento abruptly opens the door. She's wearing only the tiniest of towels. Every one of her tattoos is visible -- and anyone who has the audacity to go and look this up after reading this deserves a slap on the wrist. If not elsewhere.

ASIA ARGENTO

My favourite smell is a lover's armpit. Sadly, I've never smelt that of the author of the book on which this movie is based.

[Bloody shame, that. --Ed]

AVID MERRION

Ahhh! Can I spit in your face?

ASIA ARGENTO

You can do whatever the f*** you want.

Grabs Avid by the neck brace.Pulls him in.

DAVE HOLT

Well, all told it's been a very successful exclusive. So it's goodnight from me.

PAUL MASON

And it's goodnight from him.

Cue Monty Python closing credits.

The Moral: A little of anything can be a dangerous thing.

It's good to be back.

This was exclusive originally at the Yahoo group gamebooks , thanks to Gavin for allowing its reproduction here.